Winfrey vs. Wendler





Am Abend des 17. Märzens verlässt ein mittelgroßer Privatjet der Firma Gulfstream den Flughafen von Orca’s Island im Staate Washington. An Bord die berühmteste Investigativ-Reporterin der Welt: OPRAH ‘OMA’ WINFREY. Ihr Ziel: der International Airport of Dinslaken, Germany.

Nach ihrer Globalsensation, einem TV-Interview mit dem schweigsamsten Flüchtlingspaar der Geschichte, Harry und Meghan Windsor, ist die schwergewichtige Ikone der amerikanischen Journalistik im Begriff, ihren nächsten Knüller zu landen: Ein Exklusivgespräch mit dem skandalumwitterten deutschen Top-Schlagerstar und Philosophen MICHAEL ‘DER’ WENDLER !!!

TAGEBUCH ist es gelungen, eine Transkription dieses Jahrhundertgesprächs zu ergattern, und veröffentlicht hiermit stolz noch vor der offiziellen Ausstrahlung in Servus TV (Ostern, nach QUO VADIS) unzensiert und ohne Scham vorm Mund die wichtigsten und sensationellesten Stellen.


OMA WINFREY Now what should I call you, my dear? Mr. Wendler?

WENDLER You can say ‘Der’ to me.

OMA WINFREY Michael, we are sitting in the lovely garden of your Ex-Schwiergermutter under the Heizpilz and eating Puddingplätzchen. It is just gorgeous here in Dinslaken. But why did you move back home from Florida?

WENDLER Because the Trump is living again in Florida 24/7 and auch weil the rent was getting arsch-high for mich.

OMA WINFREY But you have the American Green Card, right?

WENDLER I’m not taking that scheiß grüne Impfpass von Bill Gates or anybody.

OMA WINFREY Now, honey, I know Bill Gates and he’s a lovely, lovely man, even if he hasn’t got a lot of money.

WENDLER (murmelt) Maybe he’s nice to the Schwarzen.

OMA WINFREY Pardon me?!

WENDLER Nothing. I said I needs to get my Windows 10 updated.

OMA WINFREY Now I don’t know whether you watched my sensational ground-breaking interview with lovely Meghan and her chubby hubby…. ahem… Harry?

WENDLER Laura was gucking, I was cutting the Fussnagels.

OMA WINFREY Beautiful. Anyway, they said they left England because they were persecuted by the royal family. Are you being persecuted here in Germany?

WENDLER Auf alle cases. I said one little thing, bumm, all my Werbung is im Arsch and my Fernseh shows and my Tatort I had planned where I solve murders by singing Top-Hits.

OMA WINFREY What did you say?

WENDLER I… äh… I said that grass is green, that rabbits are cute, women should get more money (besonders Laura), that black is beautiful and Krieg is bad and that’s it.

OMA WINFREY And they persecute you for that? Didn’t I also hear that you are supposed to be one of those evil covidiots?

WENDLER I stand firmly on the Dach of the Grundgesetz.

OMA WINFREY Whatever. We’ll leave politics for a while and talk about your art. Now, Micheal, your music is not very famous in America…

WENDLER Yes, it is.

OMA WINFREY No, it’s not.

WENDLER Yes, it is.

OMA WINFREY No, it’s not.

WENDLER Yes, it is. She loves dem DJ!



OMA WINFREY Who is she?

WENDLER Laura. She’ll be coming round the mountain when she comes with a bit of Würstchen and a Playboy, which I want to show you, how heiß my little funny bunny is.

OMA WINFREY Worstkens?

WENDLER We grill this Nachmittag. You want to stay?

OMA WINFREY Nah, I have to get back for Jeff Bezos’ house warming party. He bought Puerto Rico.

WENDLER Schade. We have a good Metzger. Greetings to Jeff. I buy all my Leitungswasser from Amazon.

OMA WINFREY Jeff Bezos is a lovely, lovely man (or something similar), even if he hasn’t got much money. Now, if you saw, as you say you did, my ground-breaking sensational interview with Meghan and that red-head guy, you must have noticed the chickens. Did you ever save any chickens, Michael?

WENDLER We grill those two. Or three. Aber I think chickens are for girlies. A wurst must be made like a good penis! Of meat!

OMA WINFREY Did you ever think about becoming a vegetarian?

WENDLER Pshaw. I am not the schwul.

OMA WINFREY Are you homophobic?

WENDLER Not at all. I think der science know not everything under the stars. And if you put a bit of thing in water, lot’s of water, and more water and it still works, like magic. Laura gives me this Salbe and hey the Warzen is gone. Puff. Homopathisch is me sympathisch.

OMA WINFREY What are your plans for the future, Mike?

WENDLER I will write a book about my struggle, called ‘My struggle’ and then maybe an Operetten called ‘Der Fledermaus’ about my friend Kwieks and with Laura I make a collection of Breastholders, you know, BHs. Ah, there she is my little love bunny, is she not to anknabbern? And I am 48. I could be her uncle.

LAURA Wer ist denn die dicke Alte hier im Garten, Wendler?

WENDLER Die Jugend heutzutage weiß auch gar nichts. Das ist doch das berühmte Kindermädchen aus ‘Vom Winde verweht’. Hast Du die Wurst gekriegt?

LAURA Ja. Menno nerv mich nicht. Ich dachte, das wäre Onkel Bens.

WENDLER Laura! Benimm Dich. Sag guten Tag, geh ins Bett und zieh Dich aus!

OMA WINFREY Maybe we should wrap this up. Your wife looks pretty fed up. One last question: why do they call you THE Wendler?

WENDLER Because I am THE only one.

OMA WINFREY But in the Telefonbuch of Dinslaken….?

WENDLER Oma Winfrey, we thank you herzlich for this Gespräch. Could I get a list on Spotify?

OMA WINFREY I doubt it.